As I come to the end of this year, I am reflecting over my life (like most of us do). I've come to the realization that I have been numb for the past 18 months. After my rape, I went into a slump....I guess a survival slump. I have been numbing myself with food. I have been sleeping through life. I just put my head down and got through life...just get through the semester...just graduate...just get through my mom's next surgery...just get through my mom's last chemo treatment...just find a job...just sell my house....just, just, just...JUST GET THROUGH.
Well, now that the dust is starting to settle, I look at myself and see what I have become. Of course I am sure that I have gotten stronger. I am sure that I am somewhat better, but I have lost a large part of myself. I havent allowed myself to heal. I havent allowed myself to fully grieve my losses. I have just gotten through. I look at myself and do not like what I have physically allowed myself to become. I am at my heaviest...again. I weighed myself the other day and am now at a whopping 270 pounds...You read that right 270!!!!
I cannot believe that it has come to this. I keep thinking "Andre, you are letting him win. You are becoming everything he said you are: ugly, unlovable, disgusting...you are letting him win". I know that he isnt thinking of me and has probably forgotten this whole experience, but I havent. I think about it in some way everyday. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is true. I need to get it out of me, but I dont know how.
I am going to see about going to a rape survivors meeting because I think that will help. I'm also going to start doing things that I enjoy. I love dancing, so I am going to take a class of some kind. Not sure which one just yet...but I am going to do it! Im going to take better care of myself and do things that I enjoy. I love going to the theater and experience the arts. Im gonna do some of that this year.
I want to give back. I feel that I am most alive when I am doing something for other people. I am going to go back to Guyana this July with a church in Roanoke to do some mission work. Maybe I can at least do Big Brothers/Big Sisters...something!
I also need to get back on track with God. I know that I love Him and He loves me. But I have allowed this situation to become a barrier in our relationship. I miss Him, I really do.
So my mission for 2010 is to EXPERIENCE LIFE AGAIN IN 2010. Watch out world! I'm coming back!!!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Grace
Now that I have a job, you would think that things are swell...not yet. I have been a nervous wreck since graduation. First, I had to pass boards. Then search for a job. I finally have the job and am now nervous about starting. I feel like I do not know enough information. I mean , I know that I am a new grad and the company understands that, but I am not allowing myself to understand that.
I am my biggest critic.
I have been through a lot of changes over the past 2 years. I have gained a lot of weight and have really let myself go. I am at the highest weight that I have ever been. I hate to look in the mirror and see what I have become. I hate to try on clothes or even get dressed in the morning. If I could, I would go around in sweat pants all the time. I am not happy with myself.
I think that if I were looking in on someone else's life I would be more compassionate toward them. I'm not compassionate toward myself.
I need to allow myself some grace.
I am my biggest critic.
I have been through a lot of changes over the past 2 years. I have gained a lot of weight and have really let myself go. I am at the highest weight that I have ever been. I hate to look in the mirror and see what I have become. I hate to try on clothes or even get dressed in the morning. If I could, I would go around in sweat pants all the time. I am not happy with myself.
I think that if I were looking in on someone else's life I would be more compassionate toward them. I'm not compassionate toward myself.
I need to allow myself some grace.
Friday, October 9, 2009
A lot can happen in 3 days
I have been trying to find a job. I had interviewed with a company that was about 50 miles from the city where I am. The company seemed very well organized and successful. But there was something there that bothered me about it. They kept leading me on without a specific job offer. They would send me enough info just to keep me hanging on. While trying to decide about this job, I started fasting. I asked God to let His will be done. God knows my heart and he knows that I want to help people, not just make money.
My grandmother looks in the paper daily for jobs for me. She found a job that was located in the same city where I live. I looked at the add and noticed that it was with a company that I had previously intereviewed with. The opening at that time was in a small rural clinic. The president of the company told me that he wanted me to work for him, but didnt know if that rural clinic was the right place for me. He was going to keep me in mind for future positions. Hmmm...I was excited to see the add and I found the president's number and called him. He remembered me and my interview. He told me to contact the clinical director and see what was available.
Meanwhile, the other out of town company, offered me a job...I had about a week to make a decision. I really didnt want to work there, but I didnt have any other options...or so I thought.
I met with the local company and they said that they would get back to me by Wednesday...this was Monday afternoon. I had 3 days to receive an offer so I could decline the offer from the other company. I was a nervous wreck! 3days...what could be done in 3 days???!!!
Then God spoke to me: A lot can happen in 3 days. Did you forget Jesus was raised from the dead on the 3rd day? He got up with all power in His hand and that power lives in you!
During those 3 days, I learned a lot.
When I want something, I want it now. I tend to rush things and I have noticed before. I like labels, categories, and definitions. I want to categorize people: This is my best friend, this is my boyfriend, this is my job, this is such and such...
Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting someone (in this case a company) to want me that I forget to sit down and figure out if I want them. As I thought about the distant company that offered me a job, I realized that I didnt want to work there. I didnt like the way the role of the NP was defined and I didnt like the way they have strung me along. I remember feeling like I wasnt good enough for the company because they werent offering me the job. There wasnt a deifnition on who I was to them.
I've been here before...but instead of with a company, it has been with a boy...a couple actually. It's like I want someone to like me and fall in love with me so much...to accept me that I dont really look at who they are and see if I truly like them. I compromise my beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and take on their definition of who they want me to be.
With the guy that raped me, if I really think about it, I wasnt attracted to him. I didnt like the way he looked to be honest. He was short. And I hated his last name. There were other things too, but they are too many to list!!! I just wanted to be accepted by him. I cant honestly say that I wanted to be accepted by specifically him, but just to be loved and accepted by someone.
I have family and friends that love me and I thank God for them. But there is a difference between being loved and being in love. I have loved many people in my life, but I have never been in love. And at this age, I feel like that is absolutely ridiculous!
So, I need to take a stand and accept me for me...where I am now and move forward. I have to know what I want and stand for. I need to get to a place in my life where I can be confident in who I am and Whose I am.
At least I am learning lessons from these experiences.
I feel like this post is all over the place. So, to sum up:
It's time to let go of the pain and move forward with the lessons that have been learned.
My grandmother looks in the paper daily for jobs for me. She found a job that was located in the same city where I live. I looked at the add and noticed that it was with a company that I had previously intereviewed with. The opening at that time was in a small rural clinic. The president of the company told me that he wanted me to work for him, but didnt know if that rural clinic was the right place for me. He was going to keep me in mind for future positions. Hmmm...I was excited to see the add and I found the president's number and called him. He remembered me and my interview. He told me to contact the clinical director and see what was available.
Meanwhile, the other out of town company, offered me a job...I had about a week to make a decision. I really didnt want to work there, but I didnt have any other options...or so I thought.
I met with the local company and they said that they would get back to me by Wednesday...this was Monday afternoon. I had 3 days to receive an offer so I could decline the offer from the other company. I was a nervous wreck! 3days...what could be done in 3 days???!!!
Then God spoke to me: A lot can happen in 3 days. Did you forget Jesus was raised from the dead on the 3rd day? He got up with all power in His hand and that power lives in you!
During those 3 days, I learned a lot.
When I want something, I want it now. I tend to rush things and I have noticed before. I like labels, categories, and definitions. I want to categorize people: This is my best friend, this is my boyfriend, this is my job, this is such and such...
Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting someone (in this case a company) to want me that I forget to sit down and figure out if I want them. As I thought about the distant company that offered me a job, I realized that I didnt want to work there. I didnt like the way the role of the NP was defined and I didnt like the way they have strung me along. I remember feeling like I wasnt good enough for the company because they werent offering me the job. There wasnt a deifnition on who I was to them.
I've been here before...but instead of with a company, it has been with a boy...a couple actually. It's like I want someone to like me and fall in love with me so much...to accept me that I dont really look at who they are and see if I truly like them. I compromise my beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and take on their definition of who they want me to be.
With the guy that raped me, if I really think about it, I wasnt attracted to him. I didnt like the way he looked to be honest. He was short. And I hated his last name. There were other things too, but they are too many to list!!! I just wanted to be accepted by him. I cant honestly say that I wanted to be accepted by specifically him, but just to be loved and accepted by someone.
I have family and friends that love me and I thank God for them. But there is a difference between being loved and being in love. I have loved many people in my life, but I have never been in love. And at this age, I feel like that is absolutely ridiculous!
So, I need to take a stand and accept me for me...where I am now and move forward. I have to know what I want and stand for. I need to get to a place in my life where I can be confident in who I am and Whose I am.
At least I am learning lessons from these experiences.
I feel like this post is all over the place. So, to sum up:
It's time to let go of the pain and move forward with the lessons that have been learned.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Is this a state or is this your fate?
I went to church this morning. At first I wasnt going to go, but I'm glad that I did.
It was Women's Day and there were a lot of awards given out and things that took up a lot of time. I was about to get up and walk out because it was just going too long. The guest minister didnt begin preaching almost until 130. I thought church started at 1030, but it didn't start until 11. So I was very early.
The message's text was taken from Ephesians 3:20. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,
She talked about God being able to do the things we ask of Him to do. She asked the question that got me thinking: Is this your state or is this your fate? If you look at your life right now and look at your circumstances, you need to make a decision and figure out is this just a point in your life or is this how God wants you to live. Is this just a temporary state...a time that may seem devastating; like you have hit rock bottom. OR is this the life that you will continue to live.
I dont want this time period to be my fate.
As I showered this morning I was thinking about believing God without a shadow of a doubt. I was thinking to myself that I have more than just a shadow of doubt over the things that are going on in my life...I have full fledged doubt...not a shadow of it. I know that God is able, but will He do it for me? That has always been a question in my life. I know that He can, but will He do it for me? I have tried to lose weight in the past but feel like I have constantly failed at it. I need God to show me that He will do it for me. I have fasted and prayed for God to restore the years that I have sown in tears. Although I'm just about to turn 30, I have been through a lot in my lifetime. But I keep thinking: Will He do it for me?
I listened to her sermon and usually I take notes, but today I didnt. I just listened. Even with doubt in my heart, I listened. After she preached, she gave a call for people with problems to come to the alter. Of course I wasnt going down... I stayed in my seat. She kept calling for people to come down and before I knew it, almost all of the people were at the alter. So, I walked on down. She prayed for everyone as a group.
As everyone was walking back to their seats, the preacher walked up to me and said "You need to believe that He will do it for you. You've got to believe that He will do it for you." She said it twice and I said thanks and went back to my seat. I was holding back tears.
God had just spoken to me.
I've got to believe that something positive will come from all of this pain and that God will get the glory. I dont know how all of this will play out, but it will and I have to remember that not only is God able to do all things, but believe that He will do it for me.
It was Women's Day and there were a lot of awards given out and things that took up a lot of time. I was about to get up and walk out because it was just going too long. The guest minister didnt begin preaching almost until 130. I thought church started at 1030, but it didn't start until 11. So I was very early.
The message's text was taken from Ephesians 3:20. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,
She talked about God being able to do the things we ask of Him to do. She asked the question that got me thinking: Is this your state or is this your fate? If you look at your life right now and look at your circumstances, you need to make a decision and figure out is this just a point in your life or is this how God wants you to live. Is this just a temporary state...a time that may seem devastating; like you have hit rock bottom. OR is this the life that you will continue to live.
I dont want this time period to be my fate.
As I showered this morning I was thinking about believing God without a shadow of a doubt. I was thinking to myself that I have more than just a shadow of doubt over the things that are going on in my life...I have full fledged doubt...not a shadow of it. I know that God is able, but will He do it for me? That has always been a question in my life. I know that He can, but will He do it for me? I have tried to lose weight in the past but feel like I have constantly failed at it. I need God to show me that He will do it for me. I have fasted and prayed for God to restore the years that I have sown in tears. Although I'm just about to turn 30, I have been through a lot in my lifetime. But I keep thinking: Will He do it for me?
I listened to her sermon and usually I take notes, but today I didnt. I just listened. Even with doubt in my heart, I listened. After she preached, she gave a call for people with problems to come to the alter. Of course I wasnt going down... I stayed in my seat. She kept calling for people to come down and before I knew it, almost all of the people were at the alter. So, I walked on down. She prayed for everyone as a group.
As everyone was walking back to their seats, the preacher walked up to me and said "You need to believe that He will do it for you. You've got to believe that He will do it for you." She said it twice and I said thanks and went back to my seat. I was holding back tears.
God had just spoken to me.
I've got to believe that something positive will come from all of this pain and that God will get the glory. I dont know how all of this will play out, but it will and I have to remember that not only is God able to do all things, but believe that He will do it for me.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Untitled
I really don't know who I am anymore. I dont know if I ever actually knew. I dont feel like myself and dont know if I will get back to a place of feeling normal. I remember meeting with Kacey at the women's center at Vanderbilt prior to reporting the rape to the police. I told her that I felt like a part of my identity had been ripped from me. I had a "True Love Waits" ring that I worn on a daily basis...it was a part of who I was. After the rape, I felt like a hypocrit when I would wear it. I didnt feel like I was worthy of it anymore. I felt like it was a lie. People tell me that I am still on my path to purity...that I am still a virgin because it wasn't consentual. But physically, the pain and trauma that I felt makes me feel like I am no longer "pure".
I think that my virginity defined me and was/is a big part of me. I just dont know who I am anymore.
I feel so odd and out of place right now. I am a new graduate, trying to find work, living in a different city with my aunt and grandmother. I feel miserable. I should be grateful, which I am, for having a place to stay without having to pay rent, having graduated, passed boards, and that my mom is now cancer free. I am thankful to God and grateful that this things have happened, but I am not happy. I still feel sad, down and miserable.
I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she doesnt understand me. When I try to talk to her about things that involve my emothions, bhse just knows it down and says I'm having a pity party...get over it. Yea, that's not that supportive. I dont want to burden my friends with my problems either and I dont really feel like anyone understands me anyway. Not really sure who my friends are right now anyway...that's another story.
I think part of my identity lied in my career...I was a teacher...that's who I was. I was a student...now that I am not employed, I feel weird. I'm transitioning and it's hard for me right now. I have had trouble speaking up for myself, making decisions about everyday little things. It's hard for me here because I live with 2 very opinionated people. They have lived, had children, are widows, and dont care to let you know about yourself. Sometimes I hear their voices in my head, along with my mom's, when I am trying to make a decision...
My self esteem is lower than ever.
I feel like I have lost my voice, my identity and my sense of self.
I don't know how to get them back.
I think that my virginity defined me and was/is a big part of me. I just dont know who I am anymore.
I feel so odd and out of place right now. I am a new graduate, trying to find work, living in a different city with my aunt and grandmother. I feel miserable. I should be grateful, which I am, for having a place to stay without having to pay rent, having graduated, passed boards, and that my mom is now cancer free. I am thankful to God and grateful that this things have happened, but I am not happy. I still feel sad, down and miserable.
I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she doesnt understand me. When I try to talk to her about things that involve my emothions, bhse just knows it down and says I'm having a pity party...get over it. Yea, that's not that supportive. I dont want to burden my friends with my problems either and I dont really feel like anyone understands me anyway. Not really sure who my friends are right now anyway...that's another story.
I think part of my identity lied in my career...I was a teacher...that's who I was. I was a student...now that I am not employed, I feel weird. I'm transitioning and it's hard for me right now. I have had trouble speaking up for myself, making decisions about everyday little things. It's hard for me here because I live with 2 very opinionated people. They have lived, had children, are widows, and dont care to let you know about yourself. Sometimes I hear their voices in my head, along with my mom's, when I am trying to make a decision...
My self esteem is lower than ever.
I feel like I have lost my voice, my identity and my sense of self.
I don't know how to get them back.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dry the tears from the eyes of my memories
Doesnt that sound interesting. Dry the tears from the eyes of my memories. It is so hard to let go of memories. To forgive and forget is really hard. I feel that the memory of the events of my life will be with me forever. But the pain of them should subside...eventually.
I have been reading the book of Esther and her struggles. She lost her mother and father at an early age and had to live with her uncle. Her tragedies were tragic, but they shaped her into the woman that she was destined to be. Her history positioned her to be at the right place at the right time. She was able to save her people from destruction. Her uncle Mordecai challenged her by telling her "Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4) The things that she went through were horrible and will never be forgotten. But she realized that it was time to learn from these events, move forward with life and continue to do God's will.
Well....I'm not there yet...
Getting out of the bed has been a real struggle for me over the past year. The main thing that I have held on to during this time was that I had to finish school. I didnt want what was done to me to keep me from reaching my goal. So every day, I got up because I didnt want him to win...I didnt want him to take this from me too.
Right now, I have finished school and taken my boards. I have free time on my hands now since I am not working. The struggle to get out of bed has gotten strong again...the depression is back and I dont really know how to get through this bout of it. The main reason for me not being on meds right now is because I do not have medical insurance or a job and cannot afford to get them...some of them are pretty costly.
I was severely depressed during college and the 1st 2 years after graduating. I struggled with taking SSRIs because of what the Christian community said about mental illnesses especially depression. "You need to pray your way through it" to "Don't depend on a pill...depend on your will". It was like you should change your way of thinking in order to get out of depression. I struggled with going to counseling and talking to someone about my problems...ones that I thought I could control. I prayed and cried and pleaded with God to get me out of this funk. And there were moments in which I thought I could get out of it on my own. He guided me to a counselor who suggested SSRIs and helped me to change my view of taking meds for my depression.
This is how I think of it: If someone couldn't see far away and needed glasses, would you tell them to think differently in order to see better? Would you tell them to pray for their mind to change so that they could see better? Would you think twice about giving them a prescription for glasses? So why do people think so poorly of people who have chemical imbalances in their brains and need to be on medications? I'll get off my soapbox now
This week, I am preparing to take my life back...I haven acted just yet. I am working on trying to find some income and have had some interviews this week. I need to find a new routine and go from there. I am trying to build my self-esteem and work on my spiritual and physical beings. I am going to focus on bettering myself. I deserve to be better than what I am now!
I have been reading the book of Esther and her struggles. She lost her mother and father at an early age and had to live with her uncle. Her tragedies were tragic, but they shaped her into the woman that she was destined to be. Her history positioned her to be at the right place at the right time. She was able to save her people from destruction. Her uncle Mordecai challenged her by telling her "Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4) The things that she went through were horrible and will never be forgotten. But she realized that it was time to learn from these events, move forward with life and continue to do God's will.
Well....I'm not there yet...
Getting out of the bed has been a real struggle for me over the past year. The main thing that I have held on to during this time was that I had to finish school. I didnt want what was done to me to keep me from reaching my goal. So every day, I got up because I didnt want him to win...I didnt want him to take this from me too.
Right now, I have finished school and taken my boards. I have free time on my hands now since I am not working. The struggle to get out of bed has gotten strong again...the depression is back and I dont really know how to get through this bout of it. The main reason for me not being on meds right now is because I do not have medical insurance or a job and cannot afford to get them...some of them are pretty costly.
I was severely depressed during college and the 1st 2 years after graduating. I struggled with taking SSRIs because of what the Christian community said about mental illnesses especially depression. "You need to pray your way through it" to "Don't depend on a pill...depend on your will". It was like you should change your way of thinking in order to get out of depression. I struggled with going to counseling and talking to someone about my problems...ones that I thought I could control. I prayed and cried and pleaded with God to get me out of this funk. And there were moments in which I thought I could get out of it on my own. He guided me to a counselor who suggested SSRIs and helped me to change my view of taking meds for my depression.
This is how I think of it: If someone couldn't see far away and needed glasses, would you tell them to think differently in order to see better? Would you tell them to pray for their mind to change so that they could see better? Would you think twice about giving them a prescription for glasses? So why do people think so poorly of people who have chemical imbalances in their brains and need to be on medications? I'll get off my soapbox now
This week, I am preparing to take my life back...I haven acted just yet. I am working on trying to find some income and have had some interviews this week. I need to find a new routine and go from there. I am trying to build my self-esteem and work on my spiritual and physical beings. I am going to focus on bettering myself. I deserve to be better than what I am now!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Here goes nothing...
Ok...so I dont know really where to start. I dont know if anyone will ever read this or if I will do this on a regular basis. I guess I should introduce myself.
I am an almost 30 year old recent graduate who is currently unemployed. I guess that is not really who I am, but that is what is most prevalent on my mind.
The reason for writing this blog is to get some things off my chest. I've been through a lot and sometimes I feel that no one is listening to me or really taking my feelings seriously. I guess I figure if I write it out then I am getting it off my chest. If someone wants to read it, then let them read it.
So...here goes nothing...
About a year ago, I was raped. There, I said it. I am just now getting to the point where I can say it. My family really doesnt acknowledge it anymore. My mom thinks it time for me to get over it. My dad was angry. My sister cried. My brother felt helpless and tried to be a big brother but didnt know what to do. So, it goes unmentioned...not that I can blame them, but I guess acknowlegement would be better than just ignoring it or pretending that it never happened. For the first few months, I think that my parents, especially my mom, blamed me for it. It wasnt my fault, but I think that when you dont have the support of your family, it can feel as though it was. Yes, I went to visit him and I spent time with him alone, but I didnt ask for him to violate me.
I may need to start at the beginning of the story so that all of this makes sense.
I have never had a boyfriend. I didnt get my first kiss until I was in college. I have always had pretty low self-esteem and have been overweight. I have always had a ton of people who call themselves my friends, but have only had 1 or 2 close friends on whom I can depend. I decided early on (probably 7th grade) that I wanted to save myself for marriage..in other words, wait until my wedding night to have sex. This is something that I felt very strong about and I think that is one of the reasons that I never dated or anything like that. Guys find that kinda weird..at least the ones that I have met.
Religion plays a huge role in my life and God guides everything that I do. I have tried let God guide every aspect of my life and where He has leaded me, I have followed. Since I was a little girl, there are 2 prayers requests that I have had. The first one was to help me lose weight and the second one was to have a boyfriend or someone to love me. Dont get me wrong, I have a very loving family, but they cannot love me romantically. It's a different kind of love that I have longed for. I can remember theses prayers from a very early age like 8 or 9. I remember becoming overweight about age 7.
I think that being so spiritual and religious made this rape even harder for me. I know some Christians would be shocked that I said that, but let me explain. You see, I have lived my life for Christ for soooo long. I felt that if I did the best I could and did what He called me to do, that I would be rewarded not only in heaven, but on earth. So to get raped and have someone so evil try to rob me of something so precious was almost like a slap in the face. If I had a daughter that I felt was so precious to me in her thoughts, dreams, visions, and soul, how could I let someone hurt her so badly??? THat's what I have been dealing with: How could God allow this to happen to me? I have tried my hardest to please Him and to live my life according to his word. And this is what I get? Are you serious?!
After the rape, the guy was very mean and tried to really lower my self-esteem even further. He called me fat, ugly, unattractive, told me that no one would ever want me and so one. He also said that if anyone asked me if I was virgin that I would have to tell that I wasnt because he took that from me. At the time, I was devastated and didnt know what to do. At the time, I was trying to finish up my degree and didnt want anything to stop me from doing that. I dint know where to turn. I ave always depended on GOD, but He allowed this to happen, so could I really turn to Him with this? I had to survive and I turned to food...it couldnt make fun of me, ignore me, make me feel like I was worthless, talk back or anything. I felt alive when I ate. A euphoric state almost. I had to get through my life and that's how I did it. Food was my friend.
It has been over a year now and I still have flashback, nightmares and moments that I think I see him and freeze up and certain sounds, clothes and smells trigger memories. I have been to counseling and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had MDD prior to the rape, but it was heightened during this stressful time. To top things off, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and was undergoing surgeries and chemo.
I have always been overweight and now I have entered a period of morbid obesity. I have gained about 40 pounds since the incident and feel worse than ever about myself.
I have recently graduated, passed boards and am now a FNP-BC. I moved to another state and am living with family members.My mom is now cancer free too! I know that I should be ecstatic about these recent accomplishments, but I feel miserable! I feel worthless and down and dont know where or how or what to do to get myself out of this funk. The only thing that I have wanted to do was stay in the bed. I really dont want to eat anymore. I have been feeling like a zombie...just walking around as life moves on around me.
SO...
I have decided that I am going to take back control over my life. I want to get healthy. I dont want to be down about my size or my situations anymore. I want to heal my wounds and stop licking them. I want to get to the root of the weight issue and get the help I need. I have tried to lose weight in the past and have minimal success. I have even had the Lap-band surgery (right now, I feel like it was one of the biggest waste of time and money). I have not been able to concentrate on me and my heatlh. I need to get on a plan not only to exercise my physical body, but also my spiritual body. I need to re-establish and re-build my relationship with God and not hide from it.
I have a gym membership and have enjoyed exercising in the past. I just want to be successful at it this time and keep it off. I have a lot of spiritual and physical weight to lose. I have some things in my life in which I need to shed.
I've got to accomplish this! I have to do this for me...not for someone to lie me or be attracted to me, not for my family, not so people will leave me alone about it...but for ME because I DESERVE IT!
That's what this blog is gonna be about...ME, MY LIFE, MY JOURNEY.
I am an almost 30 year old recent graduate who is currently unemployed. I guess that is not really who I am, but that is what is most prevalent on my mind.
The reason for writing this blog is to get some things off my chest. I've been through a lot and sometimes I feel that no one is listening to me or really taking my feelings seriously. I guess I figure if I write it out then I am getting it off my chest. If someone wants to read it, then let them read it.
So...here goes nothing...
About a year ago, I was raped. There, I said it. I am just now getting to the point where I can say it. My family really doesnt acknowledge it anymore. My mom thinks it time for me to get over it. My dad was angry. My sister cried. My brother felt helpless and tried to be a big brother but didnt know what to do. So, it goes unmentioned...not that I can blame them, but I guess acknowlegement would be better than just ignoring it or pretending that it never happened. For the first few months, I think that my parents, especially my mom, blamed me for it. It wasnt my fault, but I think that when you dont have the support of your family, it can feel as though it was. Yes, I went to visit him and I spent time with him alone, but I didnt ask for him to violate me.
I may need to start at the beginning of the story so that all of this makes sense.
I have never had a boyfriend. I didnt get my first kiss until I was in college. I have always had pretty low self-esteem and have been overweight. I have always had a ton of people who call themselves my friends, but have only had 1 or 2 close friends on whom I can depend. I decided early on (probably 7th grade) that I wanted to save myself for marriage..in other words, wait until my wedding night to have sex. This is something that I felt very strong about and I think that is one of the reasons that I never dated or anything like that. Guys find that kinda weird..at least the ones that I have met.
Religion plays a huge role in my life and God guides everything that I do. I have tried let God guide every aspect of my life and where He has leaded me, I have followed. Since I was a little girl, there are 2 prayers requests that I have had. The first one was to help me lose weight and the second one was to have a boyfriend or someone to love me. Dont get me wrong, I have a very loving family, but they cannot love me romantically. It's a different kind of love that I have longed for. I can remember theses prayers from a very early age like 8 or 9. I remember becoming overweight about age 7.
I think that being so spiritual and religious made this rape even harder for me. I know some Christians would be shocked that I said that, but let me explain. You see, I have lived my life for Christ for soooo long. I felt that if I did the best I could and did what He called me to do, that I would be rewarded not only in heaven, but on earth. So to get raped and have someone so evil try to rob me of something so precious was almost like a slap in the face. If I had a daughter that I felt was so precious to me in her thoughts, dreams, visions, and soul, how could I let someone hurt her so badly??? THat's what I have been dealing with: How could God allow this to happen to me? I have tried my hardest to please Him and to live my life according to his word. And this is what I get? Are you serious?!
After the rape, the guy was very mean and tried to really lower my self-esteem even further. He called me fat, ugly, unattractive, told me that no one would ever want me and so one. He also said that if anyone asked me if I was virgin that I would have to tell that I wasnt because he took that from me. At the time, I was devastated and didnt know what to do. At the time, I was trying to finish up my degree and didnt want anything to stop me from doing that. I dint know where to turn. I ave always depended on GOD, but He allowed this to happen, so could I really turn to Him with this? I had to survive and I turned to food...it couldnt make fun of me, ignore me, make me feel like I was worthless, talk back or anything. I felt alive when I ate. A euphoric state almost. I had to get through my life and that's how I did it. Food was my friend.
It has been over a year now and I still have flashback, nightmares and moments that I think I see him and freeze up and certain sounds, clothes and smells trigger memories. I have been to counseling and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had MDD prior to the rape, but it was heightened during this stressful time. To top things off, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and was undergoing surgeries and chemo.
I have always been overweight and now I have entered a period of morbid obesity. I have gained about 40 pounds since the incident and feel worse than ever about myself.
I have recently graduated, passed boards and am now a FNP-BC. I moved to another state and am living with family members.My mom is now cancer free too! I know that I should be ecstatic about these recent accomplishments, but I feel miserable! I feel worthless and down and dont know where or how or what to do to get myself out of this funk. The only thing that I have wanted to do was stay in the bed. I really dont want to eat anymore. I have been feeling like a zombie...just walking around as life moves on around me.
SO...
I have decided that I am going to take back control over my life. I want to get healthy. I dont want to be down about my size or my situations anymore. I want to heal my wounds and stop licking them. I want to get to the root of the weight issue and get the help I need. I have tried to lose weight in the past and have minimal success. I have even had the Lap-band surgery (right now, I feel like it was one of the biggest waste of time and money). I have not been able to concentrate on me and my heatlh. I need to get on a plan not only to exercise my physical body, but also my spiritual body. I need to re-establish and re-build my relationship with God and not hide from it.
I have a gym membership and have enjoyed exercising in the past. I just want to be successful at it this time and keep it off. I have a lot of spiritual and physical weight to lose. I have some things in my life in which I need to shed.
I've got to accomplish this! I have to do this for me...not for someone to lie me or be attracted to me, not for my family, not so people will leave me alone about it...but for ME because I DESERVE IT!
That's what this blog is gonna be about...ME, MY LIFE, MY JOURNEY.
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