Dry the tears from the eyes of my memories

Doesnt that sound interesting. Dry the tears from the eyes of my memories. It is so hard to let go of memories. To forgive and forget is really hard. I feel that the memory of the events of my life will be with me forever. But the pain of them should subside...eventually.

I have been reading the book of Esther and her struggles. She lost her mother and father at an early age and had to live with her uncle. Her tragedies were tragic, but they shaped her into the woman that she was destined to be. Her history positioned her to be at the right place at the right time. She was able to save her people from destruction. Her uncle Mordecai challenged her by telling her "Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (Esther 4) The things that she went through were horrible and will never be forgotten. But she realized that it was time to learn from these events, move forward with life and continue to do God's will.

Well....I'm not there yet...

Getting out of the bed has been a real struggle for me over the past year. The main thing that I have held on to during this time was that I had to finish school. I didnt want what was done to me to keep me from reaching my goal. So every day, I got up because I didnt want him to win...I didnt want him to take this from me too.

Right now, I have finished school and taken my boards. I have free time on my hands now since I am not working. The struggle to get out of bed has gotten strong again...the depression is back and I dont really know how to get through this bout of it. The main reason for me not being on meds right now is because I do not have medical insurance or a job and cannot afford to get them...some of them are pretty costly.

I was severely depressed during college and the 1st 2 years after graduating. I struggled with taking SSRIs because of what the Christian community said about mental illnesses especially depression. "You need to pray your way through it" to "Don't depend on a pill...depend on your will". It was like you should change your way of thinking in order to get out of depression. I struggled with going to counseling and talking to someone about my problems...ones that I thought I could control. I prayed and cried and pleaded with God to get me out of this funk. And there were moments in which I thought I could get out of it on my own. He guided me to a counselor who suggested SSRIs and helped me to change my view of taking meds for my depression.
This is how I think of it: If someone couldn't see far away and needed glasses, would you tell them to think differently in order to see better? Would you tell them to pray for their mind to change so that they could see better? Would you think twice about giving them a prescription for glasses? So why do people think so poorly of people who have chemical imbalances in their brains and need to be on medications? I'll get off my soapbox now
This week, I am preparing to take my life back...I haven acted just yet. I am working on trying to find some income and have had some interviews this week. I need to find a new routine and go from there. I am trying to build my self-esteem and work on my spiritual and physical beings. I am going to focus on bettering myself. I deserve to be better than what I am now!