Untitled

I really don't know who I am anymore. I dont know if I ever actually knew. I dont feel like myself and dont know if I will get back to a place of feeling normal. I remember meeting with Kacey at the women's center at Vanderbilt prior to reporting the rape to the police. I told her that I felt like a part of my identity had been ripped from me. I had a "True Love Waits" ring that I worn on a daily basis...it was a part of who I was. After the rape, I felt like a hypocrit when I would wear it. I didnt feel like I was worthy of it anymore. I felt like it was a lie. People tell me that I am still on my path to purity...that I am still a virgin because it wasn't consentual. But physically, the pain and trauma that I felt makes me feel like I am no longer "pure".
I think that my virginity defined me and was/is a big part of me. I just dont know who I am anymore.

I feel so odd and out of place right now. I am a new graduate, trying to find work, living in a different city with my aunt and grandmother. I feel miserable. I should be grateful, which I am, for having a place to stay without having to pay rent, having graduated, passed boards, and that my mom is now cancer free. I am thankful to God and grateful that this things have happened, but I am not happy. I still feel sad, down and miserable.

I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she doesnt understand me. When I try to talk to her about things that involve my emothions, bhse just knows it down and says I'm having a pity party...get over it. Yea, that's not that supportive. I dont want to burden my friends with my problems either and I dont really feel like anyone understands me anyway. Not really sure who my friends are right now anyway...that's another story.

I think part of my identity lied in my career...I was a teacher...that's who I was. I was a student...now that I am not employed, I feel weird. I'm transitioning and it's hard for me right now. I have had trouble speaking up for myself, making decisions about everyday little things. It's hard for me here because I live with 2 very opinionated people. They have lived, had children, are widows, and dont care to let you know about yourself. Sometimes I hear their voices in my head, along with my mom's, when I am trying to make a decision...
My self esteem is lower than ever.

I feel like I have lost my voice, my identity and my sense of self.
I don't know how to get them back.