Now that I have a job, you would think that things are swell...not yet. I have been a nervous wreck since graduation. First, I had to pass boards. Then search for a job. I finally have the job and am now nervous about starting. I feel like I do not know enough information. I mean , I know that I am a new grad and the company understands that, but I am not allowing myself to understand that.
I am my biggest critic.
I have been through a lot of changes over the past 2 years. I have gained a lot of weight and have really let myself go. I am at the highest weight that I have ever been. I hate to look in the mirror and see what I have become. I hate to try on clothes or even get dressed in the morning. If I could, I would go around in sweat pants all the time. I am not happy with myself.
I think that if I were looking in on someone else's life I would be more compassionate toward them. I'm not compassionate toward myself.
I need to allow myself some grace.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
A lot can happen in 3 days
I have been trying to find a job. I had interviewed with a company that was about 50 miles from the city where I am. The company seemed very well organized and successful. But there was something there that bothered me about it. They kept leading me on without a specific job offer. They would send me enough info just to keep me hanging on. While trying to decide about this job, I started fasting. I asked God to let His will be done. God knows my heart and he knows that I want to help people, not just make money.
My grandmother looks in the paper daily for jobs for me. She found a job that was located in the same city where I live. I looked at the add and noticed that it was with a company that I had previously intereviewed with. The opening at that time was in a small rural clinic. The president of the company told me that he wanted me to work for him, but didnt know if that rural clinic was the right place for me. He was going to keep me in mind for future positions. Hmmm...I was excited to see the add and I found the president's number and called him. He remembered me and my interview. He told me to contact the clinical director and see what was available.
Meanwhile, the other out of town company, offered me a job...I had about a week to make a decision. I really didnt want to work there, but I didnt have any other options...or so I thought.
I met with the local company and they said that they would get back to me by Wednesday...this was Monday afternoon. I had 3 days to receive an offer so I could decline the offer from the other company. I was a nervous wreck! 3days...what could be done in 3 days???!!!
Then God spoke to me: A lot can happen in 3 days. Did you forget Jesus was raised from the dead on the 3rd day? He got up with all power in His hand and that power lives in you!
During those 3 days, I learned a lot.
When I want something, I want it now. I tend to rush things and I have noticed before. I like labels, categories, and definitions. I want to categorize people: This is my best friend, this is my boyfriend, this is my job, this is such and such...
Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting someone (in this case a company) to want me that I forget to sit down and figure out if I want them. As I thought about the distant company that offered me a job, I realized that I didnt want to work there. I didnt like the way the role of the NP was defined and I didnt like the way they have strung me along. I remember feeling like I wasnt good enough for the company because they werent offering me the job. There wasnt a deifnition on who I was to them.
I've been here before...but instead of with a company, it has been with a boy...a couple actually. It's like I want someone to like me and fall in love with me so much...to accept me that I dont really look at who they are and see if I truly like them. I compromise my beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and take on their definition of who they want me to be.
With the guy that raped me, if I really think about it, I wasnt attracted to him. I didnt like the way he looked to be honest. He was short. And I hated his last name. There were other things too, but they are too many to list!!! I just wanted to be accepted by him. I cant honestly say that I wanted to be accepted by specifically him, but just to be loved and accepted by someone.
I have family and friends that love me and I thank God for them. But there is a difference between being loved and being in love. I have loved many people in my life, but I have never been in love. And at this age, I feel like that is absolutely ridiculous!
So, I need to take a stand and accept me for me...where I am now and move forward. I have to know what I want and stand for. I need to get to a place in my life where I can be confident in who I am and Whose I am.
At least I am learning lessons from these experiences.
I feel like this post is all over the place. So, to sum up:
It's time to let go of the pain and move forward with the lessons that have been learned.
My grandmother looks in the paper daily for jobs for me. She found a job that was located in the same city where I live. I looked at the add and noticed that it was with a company that I had previously intereviewed with. The opening at that time was in a small rural clinic. The president of the company told me that he wanted me to work for him, but didnt know if that rural clinic was the right place for me. He was going to keep me in mind for future positions. Hmmm...I was excited to see the add and I found the president's number and called him. He remembered me and my interview. He told me to contact the clinical director and see what was available.
Meanwhile, the other out of town company, offered me a job...I had about a week to make a decision. I really didnt want to work there, but I didnt have any other options...or so I thought.
I met with the local company and they said that they would get back to me by Wednesday...this was Monday afternoon. I had 3 days to receive an offer so I could decline the offer from the other company. I was a nervous wreck! 3days...what could be done in 3 days???!!!
Then God spoke to me: A lot can happen in 3 days. Did you forget Jesus was raised from the dead on the 3rd day? He got up with all power in His hand and that power lives in you!
During those 3 days, I learned a lot.
When I want something, I want it now. I tend to rush things and I have noticed before. I like labels, categories, and definitions. I want to categorize people: This is my best friend, this is my boyfriend, this is my job, this is such and such...
Sometimes I get so caught up in wanting someone (in this case a company) to want me that I forget to sit down and figure out if I want them. As I thought about the distant company that offered me a job, I realized that I didnt want to work there. I didnt like the way the role of the NP was defined and I didnt like the way they have strung me along. I remember feeling like I wasnt good enough for the company because they werent offering me the job. There wasnt a deifnition on who I was to them.
I've been here before...but instead of with a company, it has been with a boy...a couple actually. It's like I want someone to like me and fall in love with me so much...to accept me that I dont really look at who they are and see if I truly like them. I compromise my beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and take on their definition of who they want me to be.
With the guy that raped me, if I really think about it, I wasnt attracted to him. I didnt like the way he looked to be honest. He was short. And I hated his last name. There were other things too, but they are too many to list!!! I just wanted to be accepted by him. I cant honestly say that I wanted to be accepted by specifically him, but just to be loved and accepted by someone.
I have family and friends that love me and I thank God for them. But there is a difference between being loved and being in love. I have loved many people in my life, but I have never been in love. And at this age, I feel like that is absolutely ridiculous!
So, I need to take a stand and accept me for me...where I am now and move forward. I have to know what I want and stand for. I need to get to a place in my life where I can be confident in who I am and Whose I am.
At least I am learning lessons from these experiences.
I feel like this post is all over the place. So, to sum up:
It's time to let go of the pain and move forward with the lessons that have been learned.
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