Here goes nothing...

Ok...so I dont know really where to start. I dont know if anyone will ever read this or if I will do this on a regular basis. I guess I should introduce myself.

I am an almost 30 year old recent graduate who is currently unemployed. I guess that is not really who I am, but that is what is most prevalent on my mind.

The reason for writing this blog is to get some things off my chest. I've been through a lot and sometimes I feel that no one is listening to me or really taking my feelings seriously. I guess I figure if I write it out then I am getting it off my chest. If someone wants to read it, then let them read it.

So...here goes nothing...
About a year ago, I was raped. There, I said it. I am just now getting to the point where I can say it. My family really doesnt acknowledge it anymore. My mom thinks it time for me to get over it. My dad was angry. My sister cried. My brother felt helpless and tried to be a big brother but didnt know what to do. So, it goes unmentioned...not that I can blame them, but I guess acknowlegement would be better than just ignoring it or pretending that it never happened. For the first few months, I think that my parents, especially my mom, blamed me for it. It wasnt my fault, but I think that when you dont have the support of your family, it can feel as though it was. Yes, I went to visit him and I spent time with him alone, but I didnt ask for him to violate me.

I may need to start at the beginning of the story so that all of this makes sense.

I have never had a boyfriend. I didnt get my first kiss until I was in college. I have always had pretty low self-esteem and have been overweight. I have always had a ton of people who call themselves my friends, but have only had 1 or 2 close friends on whom I can depend. I decided early on (probably 7th grade) that I wanted to save myself for marriage..in other words, wait until my wedding night to have sex. This is something that I felt very strong about and I think that is one of the reasons that I never dated or anything like that. Guys find that kinda weird..at least the ones that I have met.
Religion plays a huge role in my life and God guides everything that I do. I have tried let God guide every aspect of my life and where He has leaded me, I have followed. Since I was a little girl, there are 2 prayers requests that I have had. The first one was to help me lose weight and the second one was to have a boyfriend or someone to love me. Dont get me wrong, I have a very loving family, but they cannot love me romantically. It's a different kind of love that I have longed for. I can remember theses prayers from a very early age like 8 or 9. I remember becoming overweight about age 7.
I think that being so spiritual and religious made this rape even harder for me. I know some Christians would be shocked that I said that, but let me explain. You see, I have lived my life for Christ for soooo long. I felt that if I did the best I could and did what He called me to do, that I would be rewarded not only in heaven, but on earth. So to get raped and have someone so evil try to rob me of something so precious was almost like a slap in the face. If I had a daughter that I felt was so precious to me in her thoughts, dreams, visions, and soul, how could I let someone hurt her so badly??? THat's what I have been dealing with: How could God allow this to happen to me? I have tried my hardest to please Him and to live my life according to his word. And this is what I get? Are you serious?!
After the rape, the guy was very mean and tried to really lower my self-esteem even further. He called me fat, ugly, unattractive, told me that no one would ever want me and so one. He also said that if anyone asked me if I was virgin that I would have to tell that I wasnt because he took that from me. At the time, I was devastated and didnt know what to do. At the time, I was trying to finish up my degree and didnt want anything to stop me from doing that. I dint know where to turn. I ave always depended on GOD, but He allowed this to happen, so could I really turn to Him with this? I had to survive and I turned to food...it couldnt make fun of me, ignore me, make me feel like I was worthless, talk back or anything. I felt alive when I ate. A euphoric state almost. I had to get through my life and that's how I did it. Food was my friend.

It has been over a year now and I still have flashback, nightmares and moments that I think I see him and freeze up and certain sounds, clothes and smells trigger memories. I have been to counseling and was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had MDD prior to the rape, but it was heightened during this stressful time. To top things off, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and was undergoing surgeries and chemo.

I have always been overweight and now I have entered a period of morbid obesity. I have gained about 40 pounds since the incident and feel worse than ever about myself.

I have recently graduated, passed boards and am now a FNP-BC. I moved to another state and am living with family members.My mom is now cancer free too! I know that I should be ecstatic about these recent accomplishments, but I feel miserable! I feel worthless and down and dont know where or how or what to do to get myself out of this funk. The only thing that I have wanted to do was stay in the bed. I really dont want to eat anymore. I have been feeling like a zombie...just walking around as life moves on around me.

SO...
I have decided that I am going to take back control over my life. I want to get healthy. I dont want to be down about my size or my situations anymore. I want to heal my wounds and stop licking them. I want to get to the root of the weight issue and get the help I need. I have tried to lose weight in the past and have minimal success. I have even had the Lap-band surgery (right now, I feel like it was one of the biggest waste of time and money). I have not been able to concentrate on me and my heatlh. I need to get on a plan not only to exercise my physical body, but also my spiritual body. I need to re-establish and re-build my relationship with God and not hide from it.

I have a gym membership and have enjoyed exercising in the past. I just want to be successful at it this time and keep it off. I have a lot of spiritual and physical weight to lose. I have some things in my life in which I need to shed.
I've got to accomplish this! I have to do this for me...not for someone to lie me or be attracted to me, not for my family, not so people will leave me alone about it...but for ME because I DESERVE IT!

That's what this blog is gonna be about...ME, MY LIFE, MY JOURNEY.