Good bye 2009!

As I come to the end of this year, I am reflecting over my life (like most of us do). I've come to the realization that I have been numb for the past 18 months. After my rape, I went into a slump....I guess a survival slump. I have been numbing myself with food. I have been sleeping through life. I just put my head down and got through life...just get through the semester...just graduate...just get through my mom's next surgery...just get through my mom's last chemo treatment...just find a job...just sell my house....just, just, just...JUST GET THROUGH.
Well, now that the dust is starting to settle, I look at myself and see what I have become. Of course I am sure that I have gotten stronger. I am sure that I am somewhat better, but I have lost a large part of myself. I havent allowed myself to heal. I havent allowed myself to fully grieve my losses. I have just gotten through. I look at myself and do not like what I have physically allowed myself to become. I am at my heaviest...again. I weighed myself the other day and am now at a whopping 270 pounds...You read that right 270!!!!
I cannot believe that it has come to this. I keep thinking "Andre, you are letting him win. You are becoming everything he said you are: ugly, unlovable, disgusting...you are letting him win". I know that he isnt thinking of me and has probably forgotten this whole experience, but I havent. I think about it in some way everyday. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is true. I need to get it out of me, but I dont know how.
I am going to see about going to a rape survivors meeting because I think that will help. I'm also going to start doing things that I enjoy. I love dancing, so I am going to take a class of some kind. Not sure which one just yet...but I am going to do it! Im going to take better care of myself and do things that I enjoy. I love going to the theater and experience the arts. Im gonna do some of that this year.
I want to give back. I feel that I am most alive when I am doing something for other people. I am going to go back to Guyana this July with a church in Roanoke to do some mission work. Maybe I can at least do Big Brothers/Big Sisters...something!
I also need to get back on track with God. I know that I love Him and He loves me. But I have allowed this situation to become a barrier in our relationship. I miss Him, I really do.
So my mission for 2010 is to EXPERIENCE LIFE AGAIN IN 2010. Watch out world! I'm coming back!!!